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An open letter to my depression

To: my depression,

We've known each other for quite some time now, but I definitely do not consider you a friend.

You know me better than anyone - you know exactly how to make me feel my lowest, how to make me feel worthless and how to make me feel like I just want to disappear.

I find myself wishing everyday that it could be as simple as blocking your number or deleting you off Facebook, but unfortunately you are stamped on my life like an ugly tattoo I decided to get when I was blind drunk.

You are strong-willed and relentless - once you get your hooks in me, there's no going back. When you decide it's time to torture me again, I can sense the downward spiral weeks before it happens.

Sometimes you like to hit me from the blind side, when I'm least expecting it; in a moment, any trace of happiness can just disappear and it's like I've never felt anything but the emptiness you leave.

Sometimes you like to play with me; it's almost like a game. You let me feel hope and positivity and then, bit by bit, you tear it to shreds and make me feel foolish for thinking my life had purpose.

You affect everything in my life - not just the way I feel inside, or the thoughts in my head. This transfers on to everything I do.

You make holding down a full-time job so hard when all I want to do is bury myself under the duvet and sleep and cry. You make it difficult to maintain friendships when being social is the last thing I feel like doing.

The worst part is, you make me a terribly difficult person to love when I can so easily push people away when I'm in the depths of my depression. I end up being an awful friend, girlfriend, sister, daughter... Because I daren't face people when my thoughts are so dark. And it's all your fault.

Luckily, as I grow older and wiser and stronger, you grow weaker - I become far more accustomed to your games and become much better at fighting you off. I know now that you'll never become me, which sometimes I feel is what you want. You want to consume me so there is nothing left of me except the empty shell that you fill with dread for life.

Unfortunately, I have learned that I'll never be rid of you, but what I do know is that you'll never win. You can keep trying, but I always bounce back. And I always will.

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Header image: stock image with text added by me

1 comment

  1. Keep fighting and bouncing back. I hope you have a good support network? xx


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